this is always the time,
where i start to panic.
because school is starting soon.
super pissing okays.

I have this very bad habit of stressing up myself until i get so lost and wished i could just stone at one corner and die -.-
sounds ridiculous, but, yeah.

I still have lots of homework left to be completed and it seems to be taking me forever to complete them.
I still have training which I've been ponning and coming up with excuses to skip.
I still have my grandma's health to worry about and I just don't know what to do now.

i can't decide what i want, i can't decide what i want to do.
everything is just so unorganized until in the end nothing gets done!

I just feel like giving up on everything.
i feel like giving up on going back to training,
i feel like giving up on school because just thinking of the number of trainings i've ponned and the amount of demerits i could have accumulated is making me go crazy, i don't want to go for detention.
plus, i shouldn't even be getting demerits in the first place because i hold a class leadership position and i don't like the fact that i could be stripped off my post.
i don't know what to do about my grandma because she's so weak she can't prepare her own meals or leave her house to go down to eat and stuff. I have to settle lunch with her everyday and she refuses to eat sometimes and idk what to do. breakfast and dinner my aunt settles it but grandma doesn't listen to my aunt sometimes too so everybody gets pissed off and impatient and grandma gets all sad and thinks negative and stuff. and idk how to communicate with my grandma at all because i am not very fluent with hokkien and all the time i'm going "huh?", "orh." or just smile back at her because i don't really understand what she's saying at all. now that school's starting soon really don't know what's going to happen to my grandmother because i can't rush back from school to settle her lunch and it's like, idk lah ):

i don't feel like going for training partly because I'm lazy.
but it's also because everytime i go for training i'll be tired and i can't concentrate on homework and i can just sleep for the rest of the afternoon and then wake up in the middle of the night and going back to sleep and poof, another day comes.
and if i go for training means no one will settle grandma's lunch because my brother can't speak hokkien at all and grandma gets pissed off with him at times (or vice versa) and it's ridiculous ok.

the moment i see my homework i just feel like dying ok, that's like, typical student reaction the moment they see a pile of homework.
don't ask me why i didn't start on homework earlier, no point asking anyway.

I'm just so tired of whatever other ridiculous stuff that has been going on, i don't feel comfortable talking about the other ridiculous stuffs here and i would appreciate it if you didn't ask what are the other things that's been stressing me up.
I don't feel like talking about it now,
probably in the future or something then I might choose to talk about it.

I know at dare with been taught to look to God, and focus on Jesus,
but at times like this idk how to focus on Him.
really, i just don't know how to.
I flip through my bible and my notes as though i'm flipping through a blank book,
i can't seem to get anything into my head.
idk how to pray to God and idk what to say.

Can someone tell me what to do.
I know all the things I've posted seem really personal,
but i just didn't know where else to rant (I didn't want to post this on my own personal blog, idk why, just didn't want to.)

alright, I'm going off to bed now...
goodnight.

love,
kylie.

ps: i haven't talked to my parents about this. i don't feel like talking to them about it.