when i'm in a place that is empty.
no one around,
when i'm alone.
no sounds from the background.
thoughts of how pathetic i am and defeat come into my head.
thoughts that make me feel horrible.
then at that very point.
all the worries and troubles that i have just come crumbling down onto me.
but when i'm with you guys at DARE or anywhere else.
i seem to forget about all of these.
would i say i'm dependant on you guys?
i would have to say yes.
because when i'm with you guys,
my life seems almost perfect.
because i don't think of all the troubles that i have.
maybe this is called oppression.
now i feel like something is stuck in my throat and i can't make it disappear.
i feel so so horrible on the inside.
like my entire body is twisting, twisting and curling itself into a small little ball.

all i can think of doing now is listening to worship.
i really don't want to go back to school.
all the homework.
all the stress.
i don't want 2009 to be as bad as 2008
where i let down myself.
let down myself so much where it seems like i have given up on myself.
that i can never do well in studies or anything that i do.
if going back to school means that i will let down myself again i'd rather not go back to school.
what for go to somewhere where all it does is make me feel even worse than i am already feeling.
okay the wtv thing in my throat is making it hard for me to eat my lunch.

why is my life so crappy?
i seem to fail in everything while everyone else is rising up to the occasion?
what kind of life is this?
is it a life worth living?
i don't think so.
i feel worse than what i did during the PSLE period where i simply felt like jumping off a building.
as much as i feel like doing it now,
i won't
its the most unglamourous way to die.

why die in such a umglamourous way when i have fail in everything else.
making my death even more pathetic.

now i know what kylie really meant when she said
at times like this,
how easy is it for us to focus on Jesus.
its not as easy said than done.
when you have a burden that is like this,
it's just so so hard to forget about everything,
and just focus on him.
i can't even begin praying now.
what's there to say?

i have no one else to say this to.
i don't talk to my parents about such stuff, neither do i want them to know.
or talk to my brother about such stuff.
he's probably closer to a sec 1 girl (our age but not going to mention her name) than he is to me.

i'd rather talk about it here,
at least i have somewhere to spill it all out.

its not only my studies that are making me stressed,
i'm having family problems.
no one can see it in my family.
but its just something that i am aware of.
maybe its just that i'm more observant.
my brother is just some blur blur person who doesn't know a crap of what is happening.

i just lost my 'bestfriend' to someone else.
hiahh
i told you my life sucks.
i feel that i'm always there for others,
or at least i try to be,
help them out of situations.
but who is ever there for me when i need them?
when i need someone to talk to,
someone to spill all my troubles to,
someone that i'm sure will never tell anyone else about it.

i think i'm done.
my life is just so messed up.

although i don't want this to go out,
like i don't want you guys to tell anyone.
i know that this is a open blog.
so i just wanna tell everyone.
i hope that this does not leak out to the whole world.
or just pray that no one else reads this
like outside of D/G
i'm not a very opened person.
like i don't talk about this kinda things alot.
like i'm not even saying some other things here.

i'm just opened about general stuff with ppl i know,
like my mum says.
i'm very aloof.
like i don't go out and make new friends or wtv


bye.
i'm going to try to find something else to do.